A Bridge Less Far
The "Festival of Reconciliation" is a new ritual that aims to help estranged family and friends reconnect and heal.
Estrangement is not a new problem but with the increasing polarization of our society and the recent pandemic, it is more common in recent years than in the past. A group in Oregon has come up with a Summer festival designed to support estranged parties in the process of reconciliation.
A typical “Bridge Less Far” festival is attended by hundreds of people who are logistically divided into two groups. The first group is the “initiators” or “hosts” who are drawn to the festival as something worth trying as a catalyst for reconnecting with one or more estranged family members who are called “responders” or “guests”. All that differentiates an initiator from a responder is which one reached out first and which one answered the call.
There are many ways of looking at the two parties in a reconciliation. One might have been offended while the other was offensive. One might have been the leaver while the other was left (abandoned). One might have been a substance abuser while the other endured that or tried intervention. One may have been harmful and the other harmed. Sometimes both parties have harmed each other in various ways. But no matter how these divisions line up, either party can be the first to reach out to the other.
When someone reaches out and invites an estranged family member or friend, there is no obligation for the other to respond or attend. Usually the initiator-host buys the tickets for themselves and their responder-guests. The outcome is not assumed. The festival provides some resources to assist with and celebrate reconciliations as well as some resources to assist with feelings of loss and grief for estrangements that haven’t yet resolved. Sometimes the best available option is to learn to live with estrangement, for however long it lasts, cultivating ways of communicating openness without clinging, reaching out without grasping, vulnerability without attachment to outcome.
Advance Work
Not all estrangements or separations are bad. Sometimes there are good reasons for two people not to have further contact. There should always be a good reason to believe that past harms won’t be repeated. The festival’s website and staff work with the initiator to try to understand the reasons for and causes of the estrangement, to identify past actions that may have harmed the other, explore potential past actions that could benefit from apologies and forgiveness, look at what past actions might call for one to make amends. Sometimes there are “hot” emotions like rage, guilt, hurt and judgement that raise red flags that one or more of the parties isn’t ready for reconciliation yet. The festival obtains release forms from participants, both initiators and responders, before proceeding because reconciliations can be unpredictable or even triggering.
Normally, however, after doing intake with the initiator, the festival staff, which includes various counsellors, clergy, social workers and others in the helping professions, makes a judgement call whether or not to go forward with any given reconciliation attempt and, if so, whether to forward the initiator’s request directly to the responder or provide an intermediary to suss out if the responder is ready, willing and able to benefit from an attempt at reconciliation, holding the responder’s words in confidence, if desired. Sometimes, a facilitated zoom call provides a safe container for initial conversations aimed at exploring possible reconciliation.
The up-front work takes some time and effort. The average effort is included in the ticket price, which is shared with the organizations and/or helping professionals. If more time is needed, the helper might recommend seeking counselling services outside the festival as a way for a more difficult reconciliation to do the necessary work over time, perhaps with the goal of becoming ready for the next year’s festival.
The “Bridge Less Far” Festivals
The festival is designed to accommodate both those who like to build things with their hands and people who find watching and supporting others more suitable for their skill sets. Whether one is carting building materials to staging areas, helping hoist beams and cables into place, painting boards and planks or providing food and music to the bridge-workers, everyone makes some kind of personal investment in the realization of the project bridge.
Initiators begin on one side of creek or slough that is being bridged and responders begin on the other. In addition to the bridge building project itself, there are food booths and workshops where people can share as much of their reconciliation stories as they feel comfortable sharing and break out into small groups to discuss what might be learned from others estrangement and reconciliation stories as a way of anticipating and preparing to deal with challenges that may come up during their upcoming meeting with their reconciliation partners.
Often the bridge becomes a kind of functional art gallery incorporating painting, sculpture, cable braiding, wood-burning and other decorative art forms into the structure, decoration or lighting of the bridge. If the bridge can include parts that commemorate attendees intentions to reconcile, it takes on symbolic strength at the same time structural strength is built into it.
At the end of the second day (or sometimes late into the night), the bridge is brought literally within one step of completion. There is one remaining gap in the middle of the bridge, about one big step across, that is left for the third day. The bridge is watched all night so no one crosses before the ceremony on the third day.
Third Day Ceremony
On the morning of the third day, large theatrical puppets representing behavioral obstacles to reconciliation— fear, grief, sorrow, indignation, judgment, habit, etc. assemble at both ends of the bridge, are introduced by an emcee and then lead a half-hour silent meditation for peace.
Following the meditation, a few brief speakers help set an atmosphere of curiosity, openness, and welcoming followed by ambient music. Hammered dulcimers and steel drums are typical instruments, but other stringed instruments and pianos aren’t unusual. The important feature of the music is to provide ongoing, encouraging and fluid audio support for what follows.
The final pieces in the middle of the bridge are installed. The music builds to a gentle crescendo and back down as the bridge is finally complete.
Next the emcee reads the Ho’oponopono “prayer” and begins reading names of initiators and responders who walk from opposite sides of the bridge to the middle where they hug or hold hands, take photos and walk to one or the other side of the bridge together where support staff are available if needed. There is a hand-sign— “hands up” that anyone can use if they need staff or volunteer help to disengage for any reason, but usually things go smoothly.
Apologies may be offered at this time. Without expectation or any “transactional” model, forgivenesses can also happen. Gratitude may be expressed. Love may be affirmed. Although these moments can be deeply moving, it is understood that these are the first steps toward rebuilding a relationship in a new pattern committed to respect, appreciation of each others’ qualities, individual sovereignty and freedom from power imbalances. If all goes well, partners may make plans to meet up again, make agreements about their renewed relationship and the ways they intend to interact in future.
If an initiator is not met by a responder or, much more rarely, a responder shows up to find the initiator was unable to be present, festival staff and volunteers meet the unitary attendee and offer to act as a listening proxy for whatever the attendee may wish to say or process with their missing partner. The goal of these alternative outcomes is to let go of attachment to reconciliation while still remaining open to it in the future. The attendee is honored for having reached out and shown up and for doing the emotional work (and physical work of bridge building). Sometimes attendees will take photos of themselves on the bridge with a photo of their missing partner to remember their efforts and to communicate their hopes and attentions to their missing partners or other family members.
The rest of the day, food and music are offered along with drop-in counselling along with other emotional and physical healing modalities such as massage, EFT (tapping), Reiki, etc.
The festival comes to a close late in the afternoon of the third day.
Follow-Up
As with other festivals there is year-round organizing to recruit and train volunteers, contract staff and affiliate organizations, line up musical talent and food carts. The biggest difference is the physical bridge and the need to engage engineers and construction professionals who are able to design and lead the construction of bridges while, at the same time, providing ample opportunities for novice attendees to be safely included in the process of construction with human-scale materials that can be moved and placed by small teams of people. These bridges are special projects and some of the best ones have been labors of love designed and constructed by people who, themselves, are drawn to the festival by a desire to reconnect with loved ones.
Confession
Although this column describes the “Bridge Less Far” festivals as real, extant events that have been held in a number of places over a number of years, they are, as of this writing in March of 2024, to the best of my knowledge, completely fictional. This author has chosen to adopt the voice of a reporter describing real events as an exercise in “speaking it into existence” instead of a more passive “proposed event” voice.
Perhaps this article will help serve to bring people together to make such events a reality (or better versions of such— I am not a professional counsellor or psychologist and don’t have the background of experience with family counselling or other skills that would best inform the creation of such a series of events).
In any case, may all estranged family and friends, wherever they may be, be inspired to work out the reconciliations needed to heal the relationships in their lives and to go on in joy, respect, honor and love.
Wow. What a powerful essay and a powerful project. Thank you.